Have you ever felt like a mere toy in the hands of a narcissist? Do you feel like they used you for a while and then discarded you as if you meant nothing to them? There is a name for this behavior. You can find out here.
An unwritten rule says that approximately 60 percent of people will suffer from narcissistic gap at some point in their lives. It is the moment when the narcissist rejects and abandons them, like someone discarding an object that no longer has any interest or use for them. Perhaps you recognize this experience?
Indeed, many people seek psychological help after being abandoned by a narcissist. They do this because they feel manipulated and used as puppets of the narcissists. Indeed, the emotional trauma left behind by this type of relationship is deep and painful. If you have been a victim, you will no doubt be interested in learning more about narcissistic discard.
People with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t have long-term relationships.
Narcissistic discard
Some people have only a few narcissistic traits, such as selfishness and feelings of superiority. On the other hand, there are those who are defined by full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. It is these individuals who cause the most harmful interpersonal harm. TThey are characterized by the ability to build relationships that are unlikely to last.
This was highlighted by a survey published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Many of us will have suffered through these experiences. Not only do narcissists have doctorates in boycotting and relationship manipulation, but these nefarious dynamics are also frequent in the family, work and friendship spheres.
This explains why psychology coined the term narcissistic waste. It refers to when narcissists abruptly end their relationships with us, leaving us feeling that we have been used.
What remains is the belief that it was only a means to an end, a pastime, or a disposable item to be replaced with another. But why does this happen?
The cause of the narcissistic gap
When you are rejected by a narcissist, the first thing you tend to think about is what you did wrong to make it happen. This is a really common feeling. But that’s not right, because a victim is never guilty of causing their own pain. The fault lies with those who do evil. In this case, the narcissist.
So why do narcissists dismiss others so quickly and disrespectfully? Why am I apparently unable to maintain long-term relationships?
- The moment someone no longer validates or feeds a narcissist’s ego, they are no longer of use to them.
- If an individual ceases to be submissive and easy to handle, the narcissist loses interest in him.
- Narcissists lack emotional responsibility. As a result, they cannot take care of long-term relationships.
- These personalities act only for their own ends. Therefore, if someone no longer fulfills a purpose, he leaves them on the road.
- Their empathy is key. This means they connect with other people’s emotions to manipulate them. They never feel the pain of others.
- The gap can also be explained by the desire to find something better as soon as possible. For example, people who are more challenging or who are of benefit to the narcissist.
- Research conducted by the Queensland University of Technology (Australia) states that many narcissists suffered from emotional deficiencies during their childhood. While this doesn’t excuse how they treat their relationships in adulthood, it does help to understand the complex effects of parenting based on distant or insecure attachment styles.
If a narcissist writes you off, it’s never final. They usually come back. This is termed as a vacuum cleaner.
The narcissistic discard is part of a cycle
The narcissistic discard is part of a cycle of abuse by these figures. It’s also not the last stop. Indeed, narcissists believe that anyone can prove useful in the near future. Therefore, they never completely abandon anyone. As such, they leave the door ajar, setting up a sophisticated technique of emotional abuse.
Now, take a look at the narcissistic abuse cycle and how you can identify each of these stages.
1. Idealization
Narcissists have an innate ability to dazzle, persuade, and make you believe you’ve found your ideal match. But be careful, because, in the circuit of their technique of abuse, the most important stage is to charm their victims. These are people who, for whatever reason, pique their interest. Here’s what they do:
- They will come to know things about you.
- They won’t hesitate to tell you that you are the best thing that ever happened to them.
- They will be friendly, thoughtful, and interested in whatever you are passionate about.
- They will make you believe that there is a magical kind of harmony between you.
- They have a chameleonic personality. Therefore, it is not difficult for them to convey to you the idea that they have the same interests as you.
Victims of narcissists often experience psychological trauma. They feel angry about what happened and ashamed that they didn’t react sooner.
2. Devaluation
Before the narcissistic discard, there is a tortuous path. To your surprise, they suddenly start criticizing and humiliating you. You stop being their ideal and they start attacking you. This strengthens their ego. Devaluations give them power and become constant. They will also tend to:
- Infantilize yourself.
- Make you believe that there is something wrong with you.
- Compare yourself with others.
- Devalue your tastes, virtues and strengths.
- Convincing that you are addicted to them.
- Make yourself the primary source for their ego and self-worth.
- Isolate yourself from your friends and family.
3. Narcissistic discard
Narcissistic discard is the third stage of the abuse cycle. It’s the moment when, after a period of abuse and contempt, they suddenly dismiss you without a word of explanation.
The more complex thing is that you experience the narcissistic discard in a traumatic way because you have become dependent on them and you are no longer able to look after yourself. The following are the important aspects of this stage:
- The abandonment takes place in a hasty and even violent way.
- Often the narcissistic discard occurs because they have already found another person who is more interesting to them.
- Your identity used to depend on them, along with your self-confidence, which is now broken. This makes you experience their abandonment as really creepy.
4. The vacuum cleaner, the comeback
The narcissist, like the protagonist in a bad horror movie, always comes back. When they come back, they feed on you emotionally, because they are alone and have no one to clean up their rusty ego. In this part of the cycle the narcissist:
- He returns and asks for forgiveness for what happened.
- Promise to change, only to usher in a new set of abusive behavior.
- He lavishes attention on you once more, if you let him
- Tell them how careless they were to leave you and how bad things have gotten for them since.
How to cure the narcissistic gap
If you’ve suffered a narcissistic discard, you need to know how to heal the wound of this traumatic relationship. Usually, these harmful bonds leave behind countless psychological damages. Guilt and shame weigh heavily. You may wonder how you fell into the trap and why you miss them so much when they treat you so badly.
After any experience of psychological abuse, it is advisable to start therapy with a professional. They can help you repair your self-esteem, strengthen your identity, and regain your strength. Finally, it is worth remembering anyone, regardless of gender, social status, or life history, can fall victim to a narcissist. So, if you have been abandoned, work on yourself not to get trapped in this harmful trap again.
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