Dear Amy: My closest friend in the world was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at a relatively young age.
We met when we were new mothers, and while my family moved away after only a few years, we have maintained an incredibly close and meaningful relationship through all of life’s joys and sorrows for over 30 years. She is my rock.
The friend who knows the good, the bad and the ugly. And viceversa.
And now I feel that she has regressed a little every time I talk to her on the phone, and our distance is too great for me to see her regularly.
How do I handle the inevitable changes? How do I let her know I love her when she no longer recognizes my voice? How can I maintain any kind of long distance relationship? I don’t have a map for our last trip and it breaks my heart.
Any advice would mean a lot to me.
Thank you,
Left behind
Dear Forsaken: My first suggestion is that you should visit your friend in person as soon as possible. Book your trip today. Bring pictures to look at together, go for walks, listen to music, and just be there and enjoy your time together with gratitude.
I think it would be a good idea to book a room nearby, stay for a few days and keep daily visits short if that works better for her.
It can be mentally challenging and emotionally wrenching to be with someone whose memory is failing. Your friend may have good days, and harder days or mornings may be better than evenings for her. Don’t stress her by trying too hard to elicit memories from her, but go with her flow wherever it takes you both.
Along the way, you can still let your friend know you love her, even if she doesn’t recognize your voice. If talking on the phone becomes impossible, she sends cards and postcards and expresses your love and gratitude.
There is no going back from this heartbreak, but this is your opportunity to honor your friendship by holding her hand through this portion of her journey.
Dear Amy: I am almost 30 years old. My grandparents are 80 years old and in good health.
They told me they will leave me money in their will and while I’m not sure of the amount, they appear to be quite prosperous.
I’m thinking of asking them for my inheritance before they die. My experience during the pandemic has given me a very strong desire to travel for several months.
I think my grandparents might feel gratified to see me enjoying their inheritance, but I don’t know how to ask them.
Your advice?
Grateful nephew
Dear nephew: There are a lot of factors here that you don’t include. These would be: your grandparents’ health, future housing and medical needs, and their willingness to be manipulated by an adventure-seeking grandchild.
Part of this depends on your family’s culture and how these seniors lived their lives.
You have to consider the possibility that seeing you having fun might not be as rewarding for this older couple as you think.
One or both of your grandparents could live another 20 years. Your inheritance amount may change based on their financial needs now and in the future.
At some point, maturing adults shift their values from asking for more to giving more.
I support your plan to seek adventure, but suggest you line up funding that doesn’t involve your grandparents.
Dear Amy: Dreading the Dogs has a very close female friend who always brings her three dogs with her when she is a guest.
A good and safe kennel is the answer.
Dog lover
Dear dog lover: When I got my dog, the first thing I did was line up domestic help and a quality kennel as a backup. Dogs and humans have to adjust to this separation, but I believe it’s vital.
Dear readers: Have you ever posted your question in the Ask Amy column? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Have you accepted or rejected my advice? Has the problem you wrote about ever been resolved?
As part of our ongoing conversation about human behavior and its consequences, I’d like to hear how things turned out for you.
Please get in touch! Email me at askamy@amydickinson.com write UPDATE in the subject line and tell me your story.
I welcome the opportunity to be in touch again.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @akingmy or Facebook.)
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