5 green flags that you have healthy borders

For years I thought I had healthy boundaries. I’ve always been pretty good at saying no, so I figured I had it all figured out (because I genuinely thought that was all a boundary was). But recently, I’ve started to notice a pattern of irritability throughout my day and I’ve realized that I was spending so much time cleaning up everyone else’s messes that I didn’t have time for my own. It turns out, I wasn’t setting clear boundaries at all! And how could I, when I didn’t even have clarity on the strategies that would meet my support needs? It got me thinking: how many of us are Actually tune in to our borders? How many of us know what it feels like when our boundaries are set and functioning properly? So I decided to turn to Elisabeth T. Liljaa licensed therapist based in Salt Lake City specializing in trauma, to shed some light on what healthy boundaries look like and how to know if you have them in place.

What is a healthy border, anyway?

Boundaries are more than just saying “no” to things you don’t need (although that’s a healthy component you’ll read about soon). Lilja defined boundaries as the needs, limits and rules we set for ourselves. This means that you understand where your limits are, but you also understand what your needs are and are able to create strategies (rules) to meet them. Healthy boundaries within relationships are often informed by a healthy boundary relationship with ourselves, Lilja said. In relationships, we can look at healthy boundaries as created with connection beyond protection in mind.

Lilja reminded me that there will be times when protective boundaries in relationships are needed, but a sign that your boundaries are serving you both is when they help build a sense of mutual connection. You are both clear about what you need, know each other’s boundaries, and respect each other’s rules.

So now that we have a working definition of a healthy downward boundary, let’s dive into the signs that you and those with whom you are in a relationship are, in fact, working those boundaries in the right way.

Green flags that you have healthy borders

1. Your “no” is respected

When you’re clear about what a “no” is to you, and you respect and support that “no,” that’s a healthy boundary you’ve created for yourself. And when the people in your life respect that too, that’s a healthy relationship boundary. Keep in mind that “respect” doesn’t necessarily mean no questions are asked. People in your life may still ask about your “no” for clarification. This means that we are not pushed, bullied or manipulated into a ‘yes’,” Lilja clarified.

When someone else has opinions about your “no” (which they often can) it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t respect it. How these feelings are communicated and responded to can indicate the health of our relationships, Lilja explained. If you’re able to hold space for someone else’s feelings about your “no” while still feeling grounded in clarity around your “no,” that’s a big green flag that your boundaries are in the healthy zone.

2. You come into conflict with curiosity

You’re showing healthy boundaries when you’re able to be in a respectful, healthy conflict that doesn’t veer into name-calling, abuse, manipulation, or harmful actions like stonewalling, Lilja said. And one way to avoid participating in those behaviors is to engage in curiosity. Curiosity is one way we can form healthy relationships, Lilja explained. When you’re curious about other people’s experience, you’re less likely to make assumptions about their experience that would lead to blame or shame.

Some questions Lilja offered to check with yourself whether or not you’re engaging with trivia were: Am I inviting room for clarification on conclusions, assumptions, and defense? Do I ask questions for clarification? Am I aware and able to respectfully communicate what I am feeling or experiencing and may need? When you engage with curiosity, it gives you the space to feel confident in your boundaries While respecting the boundaries of another.

3. You can clearly express your needs and limitations

Needs, or borderline expression, indicate that we are able to stand up for ourselves, that we value our worth and getting [our] needs met in a relational space, said Lilja. In other words, you know your boundaries are in a healthy zone when you feel Safe expressing what you need. When you’re grounded in what you need because you know it’s best for you, it’s much easier to feel confident in the demand, even when it can’t be met at the moment.

Again, this does not mean that understanding and clarification around the expressed need or boundary may not be desired, or that the boundary or need can always be met, Lilja said. Rather, there is room for you to have and express your boundaries. And for the people you are in a relationship with to have the same.

4. Repair is important to you

Even in the most well-meaning relationships, boundaries are crossed. Breakups happen in relationships, yes, even healthy ones, Lilja said. When you prioritize repair after one of those breakups, you’re setting yourself up for healthy boundaries in the future. Think of it as healthy border maintenance.

According to Lilja, fixing looks like learning to apologize (this isn’t just saying the words “I’m sorry”), take responsibility for how you may have hurt someone, and recognize what you will try to do differently in the future. “Repair is a key part of a secure relationship and a healthy relationship, she said. It’s a good sign if you and someone else can try to mend a relationship.

5. You are consistent in your follow-through

Something that has always stuck with me is the concept that healing takes time and trials. When you get solid proof that something is serving you for a period of time, you start to believe it. You start to feel more confident in your experience. In the context of boundaries, Lilja noted that consistency is when we do what we say we will. And if something needs to change, we communicate.

Having the experience of a predictable following builds and maintains a sense of confidence that our boundaries will be consistently respected. While it may not seem like it, follow-through is maintaining a boundary with ourselves,” she said. “Practicing boundaries with ourselves can lead to establishing, sustaining, and maintaining boundaries with others.

Expert tips to help you strengthen your borderline skills

1. Notice when you say “yes” when you mean “no”

Part of learning to find our ‘no’ is understanding why we might say ‘yes’ to something we want to say no to, Lilja said. Getting to the bottom of what’s stopping you can help you break out of this pattern. One practice for this is to notice what belief might arise for you when you’re not honoring a “no.” For example, ask yourself what would happen if you said no. Are you worried that the other person will feel let down, disappointed in you, hurt, or like you less? Perhaps you feel unworthy of setting that boundary?

Then ask yourself if the outcome you predict is the outcome that would actually happen IRL. While [your] the feeling or belief is real, is it true? asked Lila. Are there times you’ve said no and what you fear might not have happened? It can be scary to gather different information, AND this is something the body needs to start making changes.

2. Learn how to apologize and make amends

Having healthy boundaries isn’t just about setting your own boundaries, it’s about respecting the other person’s boundaries. And a key element of respecting others’ borders is apologizing when we (inevitably) cross a border. This can be incredibly challenging for many reasons, Lilja empathized. Fixing is also something that can get easier with practice. Also, apologizing is Always important, even if you didn’t have bad intentions or didn’t mean to hurt someone. An apology invites empathy or an acknowledgment that the other person’s experience is real.

If you’re curious about what a real apology looks like, Lilya has offered phrases you can use below, which she calls the anatomy of an apology. Everyone matters when you sincerely apologize and try to make amends.

• I am sorry for…: The for is important here. Name what you are fixing or apologizing for. Think of this as why. Why are you apologizing? This is how you take responsibility for your actions.
• I could have done things differently… OR Going forward I will…: This shows that you not only understand what you’re apologizing for, but you know how to change your actions moving forward. This is crucial to repairing the relationship in the future.
• How are you feeling? OR What do you need to feel better?: Checking in allows the other person to communicate with you what they need and what you both can do to truly make amends.

3. Practice follow-through

Following your limits is as simple as keeping your promises. Do what you say you will and communicate when something needs to change. When you consistently present yourself for yourself, you build trust and a better understanding of what commitments are serving you and aren’t serving you. Lilja suggested starting small, like making a promise to yourself that you can keep every day. This might feel like a morning or night ritual (think: journaling or meditation) or setting a time to finish something on your to-do list. Notice how you feel when it’s time to get something done and how it feels to actually do it. Tracking your follow-through can be helpful, Lilja said. If you don’t follow what you selected, what happened? What is he telling you? Are you noticing a pattern? All of this information can help guide you in changing your habits toward more consistent follow-through.

4. Seek therapy

If you’re looking for extra support as you develop these skills, therapy is an excellent way to practice with a third party. Therapy can be a wonderful way to learn to strengthen boundaries with ourselves and with others, creating the space to be curious about what we’ve learned about being in a relationship with ourselves and with others, Lilja confirmed. It can also be a safe place for you and a partner to practice establishing healthy boundaries with each other to ensure you create a structure that will sustain you for years to come.